Black Sun of my Being
By Kathleen Prophet - firstname.lastname@example.org
It was six and half years ago. I was experiencing major changes in my life, they felt like cataclysmic shifts. My husband and I had just left the spiritual community that I had been wholly enmeshed in for twelve years, he for his entire life. His mother and father were the founders of the group.
I had begun some process work with a therapist, and after a weekend intensive I had this dream:
I had just been released from a barred 4 x 6 foot cage. There I lay on the floor, wild eyed and ravaged. I was dressed in a sexy red satin dress. Blood was dripping from the side of my mouth.
I was astounded at the vividness of the dream and the deep 'felt' impact it had upon me, its energy reverberated throughout my body. I knew that this woman represented the powerful ecstatic/creative/destructive energies that I had attempted to repress over the past twelve years.
The container of my life began to crack. I began to question the roles I had taken on while involved with the community. Who was I really? I questioned my marriage, for what reason did I marry this man? Was it for relationship with him? his mother, the guru? God? the power it afforded me? I questioned my desire for motherhood as tied up with the spiritual teachings of the community. Even my role as a teacher was seen through this lens. The Ascended Masters had called for "enlightened individuals to teach the 'special' lightbearers being birthed in the community." Along with motherhood, it was seen as a 'high and holy calling.' My relationship to my spirituality, the label of chosen one, lightbearer, true spiritual seeker was set adrift. Yet my greatest suffering came from the pressure of my frustrated creative energies expressing themselves as aggression and abuse acted out upon my children.
I chose to leave my children whom I now felt dysfunctional with, and divorce my husband so that I could journey to another place and venture into the dark regions of my psyche.
Upon arrival in the new land, I received the final blow in a call from my doctor, his voice was matter-of-fact as he reported that I had cervical cancer. My perceived relationship to my body disintegrated before me, the body that had always been present, a vehicle for suffering and abhorrence, might now no longer exist. So the question echoed throughout my being: who and what am I?
Into the bottomless abyss I fell. And there I encountered the Black Sun of my being, the voice of self-loathing, of all energy that had been repressed by those very labels I had taken on. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as I flailed madly about in resistance to entering in. But there was no way around it. The specter of death had brought me to a screeching halt. So I turned and faced this terrifying energy that was relentlessly pursuing me.
Journal July 1994:
And I begin at the Black sun of Being.
The Black Sun is where I am
The Black Sun is who I am
Do not take me from this place of Darkness
The Darkness of my Being is where I dwell, where I have journeyed many times before but have not known its name. This place of pain, of despair, of depression, of revulsion of my Dark Side - this pain I have expressed in life causing much suffering - most especially my own.
I own this Black Hole of Self this day--
Do not leave me, Oh, Black Sun, until I have truly seen, felt, known and embraced you. This is my sojourn here and now in this moment of being. I will be reborn from this void, this blackness, this pain. I will be remade, reformed, but only when I have truly honored Thee, embraced Thee and accepted this place within me. Oh, how I have run from Thee in the past. Oh how I have hated Thee because I have not understood! Oh, Great Sun, give me courage to stay, to grow, to struggle, to crawl, to experience the sensation of this dark slime. Was it not out of the black slime that life crawled from? Birth - oh the agony and the ecstasy of birth. The pressure, the pain, the breath - the breath - the breath of Life.
"Our most profound growth comes during our most painful times."
I am powerless in this Black Void...
"In the center of chaos lies the promise of clarity."
I accept my pain as a guide - let it be a lantern in the darkness...
"We eventually create the exact degree of suffering required to propel us into action. We each determine the depth to which our soul must descend before it can rise."
My pain is honorable.
Into the Black Hole I have fallen
Again into the hopelessness of being
Pain continually perpetuated...
The Black Sun Chant of My Being
I am the murderer of soul
Yes, I have abandoned and murdered my own
And taken others with me...
The sweet, the innocent, the vulnerable ones
I have attacked
I am the Beast that no one controls
Just try and embrace me
I am horrible, disgusting and despised by all
And I live within
Just try to rid yourself of me
For I am alive in the Darkness of Being
Waiting for you to react and
Take your pain out on others
Then it is that I will swallow you up
Death, oh sweet death
Is the only release from me
And even then
I shall be alive in the Black Sun of Being...
Oh - Black Sun, Black Sun of Being
I am here with you
Nowhere to escape
I run into you
your very heart of pain
My pain, the perpetual pain
through the generational chain
No escape, no release
I run to you, my Black Sun
No light, no hope
just desperation and despair
at the sight of the wounds
inflicted upon self and others
Oh, Black Sun, you have consumed me
This labyrinth of Darkness
I cannot find my way through
alone am I, here am I
the Law of Life says
and therefore I am yours...Oh, Black Sun
Into the blackness I died. My lifeless form lay for many a day. No sense of life, of purpose, of relationship, of hope, of future, of past, of being, of identity. Was I human? I pondered...I began to dance my death dance to Enigma's, "I love you, I'll kill you, but I'll love you forever" - wailing as a crier at a funeral.
People feared what I was doing by not following the traditional route of severing the symptom from my body, and they projected their fear of death upon me. Yes, I was dying and I felt in the deepest part of my soul that if I didn't seek healing for the "whole" of me on the spiritual, emotional, mental, physical levels, then I might as well die, for truly I was already dead.
Unto the nameless universe I cried. Yet, having removed all names and identity from God, what was left to cry to? In having removed all identity from myself, who was left to cry?
The outer encasement that had shielded and carried me through my life broke open and the soft Vulnerable One was revealed. Oh, how frightened she was. Oh, how alone, how weak, how needy - all facets of my being that had been sheltered by the Beast, by the Aggressor, were seen in their humblest of forms.
How she cried! Thousands of unshed tears from the past, rivulets of sorrow streaming out of her body, spilling out, downward into the earth. Yes, watering the earth whose body she had also forsaken in the name of the "greater work." Pouring out onto the barren earth, the waters began to soak the parched land, sinking into the strata of the psyche that had lain dormant for a time before time. And there, ever so slowly, new life began to stir.
I began to feel the impulse to seek out guides and timidly I began my outward quest. I discovered that I was in the land of manna, filled with master healers in their field of endeavor. Joseph Heller of Hellerworks, kneaded new consciousness into my body, releasing the deep negative conditioning held within its tissues. Kandis Blakely, a therapist, took me back to the moments where the inception of these negative beliefs began working to release their emotional charge. Dr. Scott Moyer worked with the deepest levels of the body's own intrinsic healing using herbs and remedies and guiding me to strengthen through Tai Chi and weight lifting. And a Native American shaman prayed intensely for me during the black sacred sweat, the return to the womb of the mother to be reborn.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I began to hear a song of life, my life, well up from the mortification. The Vulnerable One began to trust again as bountiful blessings showered upon her. Space began to emerge in consciousness for the coexistence of the dark and light, thus dissolving the boundary between them. Little by little, self-acceptance glimmered through the streaks of pain to replace self-hatred. Gradually my body began to strengthen and heal.
As this new life washed over me I began to once again feel my heartbeat and the stirrings of desire for life, the awakening of all the many impulses that truly were my own...mother, partner, teacher, creator. I began to accept what ISthe good, the bad, the sorrow, the joy, the violence, the peace, the ugly, and the deep beauty in the tragedies of life. I found I could coexist with these divergent energies, finally embracing the ALL of it. A vital new piece was borne in me. "I am all of it, and I am none of it." And with this deep embodied knowing, I truly began to live.
In the place of darkness, the one with no name dissolved into the unity of all life. Without identification with labels she was free "to be or not to be," and the being and the not being were one and the same.