She Within

by Exener


Four years...my story has been one of depression, hopelessness, sacrifice, darkness. The death ever-present, the life ever-elusive. I feel, now, the dawning of a new day. Resulting after two weeks of the most incredible pain and angst and loss and suffering. Truly the shattering of my persona, my projections, my constructs... leading me to lay prostrate to...? Reaching the place of nothingness... no where to go.

And, thus, I must share my story of the last days... the emergence. It is the most personal and the most impersonal...


She Within - 12-30-01

There is a tender shoot within me.
She is a strong one.

I feel the inexorable force which makes her growth inevitable.
She will burst forth... When? I cannot say.
It is the gestation occurring now.
Time to nurture and wait.

She is in me. I feel her.
I feel a tenderness, a protectiveness, a strength.

I will assure her a place when she does emerge.
I create the strong container into which she will burst forth.
Full unto herself.

Yes, the masculine is present. And, he is here to serve.
To serve her. Upon her emergence.

I feel him as a tool.
He has been with me for so long, now firmly in place.
So that he may be of service.
He has assisted in the creation of the container.
Yet it is not him, alone, who creates.

She will midwife her own birth.

She is self-seeding
She is self-birthing

It takes strength
It takes tenderness
To assure the birth of She within.


Winter of my Moon - 1-5-02

My moon, so elusive, so hidden, so deep
She moves through her cycles... as this female body
Recently full and bright, now waning into darkness
My own... necessarily outward directed; now waning... necessarily so
What once was white, must turn black. What once was, must no longer be
This is the winter of my moon
Turning within. Moving into blackness. Being naught.

What is naught... but the zero?
The Circle. The most sacred of shapes.
That which can contain and, with the single stroke, be inscribed
The Great Moon. She who rules the rhythms of our lives.
Whether new or crescent or full or balsamic... always the circle.
The Fool. He who knows the Way between the worlds.
The leader of the pack... he is the beginning.
The Urobus. The snake swallowing his own tail.
Snake who creates, feeds, transforms.

Thus it is with great reverence I move into the naught.
Into the depths of bodysoul.
For there I find my creation, my beginning, my rhythm, my container.
There I reside in the winter of my moon.


UnFettered - 1-7-02

There is an ecstasy filling my being... one that is deep... one that is born from sacrifice, one that can only be born through sacrifice. it allows me to go into the unknown with a sense of wonder, gratitude, expectation.

oh, my inner beloved is speaking to me!
she is freed
...unbounded
......
unfettered
release from the cords that have tied

moving into the chaos of life
chaos ever present
order simply a moment's illusion

I abandon myself
...to my own life
......to my creativity

I offer myself to this abandonment freely
no one but I can abandon myself
and I do so... with great joy and ecstasy
into my life...into my body...into my soul
...into the unknown

there is a new knowing
...in the unknown

I move here freely
...unbounded
......unfettered

open to all
...that is
......that will be...

there is great love filling my being.
great joyousness, great ecstasy.

there is a new light emerged.


the last portal - 1-8-02

from
...the death comes the life

from
...the crucifixion comes the resurrection

from
...the darkness comes the light

the cross is the portal
...the last portal
through this gate
...to rebirth

this is my personal story... i know it now


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